God expects us to have money without becoming addicted to it.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT TOMORROW

I don't know about tomorrow

I just live from day to day

I don't borrow from its sunshine

For its skies may turn to gray

I don't worry o'er the future

For I know what Jesus said

And today I'll walk beside Him

For He knows what is ahead

Many things about tomorrow

I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow

And I know who holds my hand

-Ira F. Stanphill

Dakila ka O Diyos

Sa habang panahon

Katapatan mo’y matibay na sandigan

Sa bawat pighati tagumpay man ay naroon

Daluyan ng pag-asa kung kailanga’y hinahon

Pag-ibig Mo’y alay sa amin noon hangang ngayon

Dakila ka O Diyos

-Arnel Depano

ST. PETER’S ROOM

A Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Hooker were lining up at the Gate manned by St. Peter for those who would like to enter heaven.

First on the line was the Doctor.

St. Peter: Can you tell what your life was on earth?

Doctor: St. Peter, I was a medical doctor, and I devoted my life to helping people get healed of their illness, and saving lives, especially the poor.

St. Peter: Very well, enter and take the Blue room.

Second was the Attorney.

St. Peter: Now what about you, what did you do with your life on earth?

Lawyer: St. Peter, I was a lawyer and I helped advance or defend the cause of the oppressed, the poor, and the downtrodden.

St. Peter: That's great, enter and take the green room.

Third was the Hooker

St. Peter: Now Madam, please tell me what did you do with your life on earth?

Madam: Well, Pete, I devoted my life to giving indescribable pleasure to all sorts of men, like the two men who preceded me.

St. Peter: Really? that's interesting. By all means enter, and go straight to my room.

WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

A man was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement of a Weight Loss company promising a guaranteed weight loss program.

"Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do."

So he calls the Weight Loss company on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pounds weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old woman dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl and thinks to himself with a nod, “I like the way this company does business."

For the next two days the same girl shows up and the same thing happens, each time.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pounds weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had.

The man is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.

On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

"I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun."

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribes to the company’s 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.

"Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he says, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it.

There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads "If I can catch you, I can have you."

Author: quiproquo

STOLEN KISS

A TRAIN RIDE MYSTERY

The story is told of four people who shared a berth in a train going from Paris to Madrid: a beautiful young woman traveling with her grandmother, and a handsome young army lieutenant who was with his commanding officer.

On the way the train passed through a tunnel, and the train became pitch black.

Suddenly, in the darkness there was a sound of a kiss followed by a slap.  When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat stone faced as if nothing had happened.

The beautiful young woman thought to herself, "That was a wonderful kiss, but my grandmother must have slapped his face and he probably thinks I did it and he won't pay attention to me again."

The grandmother thought, "That's a fresh thing for that man to kiss my granddaughter.  I'm sure glad she stood up for herself, I'm sure it will teach him a lesson."

The commanding officer thought, "This is terrible, she must have thought that I was the one who kissed her, wait until I get back to the base, I'm really going to give my lieutenant a piece of my mind."

And the handsome young lieutenant thought, "This was my lucky day. I got to kiss a beautiful woman and slap my boss and get away with both."